Bottled up feeling

I feel anxious.

I feel as though I have different wants, needs and dreams compared to my friends and cousins who are also in their 20s.

How come they all want the same thing and I don’t?

I see them wanting to start a family, wanting to have kids, wanting romance, wanting to have a grand wedding and some are already preparing for it while some are already married.

Is that the natural order of things? That at this age, you should feel those, too? Or doing those, too? Should I be bothered that I’m still quite uncomfortable with the idea of commitments, marriage and children? That every time an opportunity for romance knocks, I seem to push it away or sabotage it even? Am I that not ready to commit? Am I scared? Or do I just don’t want it yet?

Quite frankly, I don’t feel that I also want what they want (right now). Or, “not yet.”

Although, I’m pretty sure it’s the latter. “Not yet” but one day, “yes.”

But I get pressured, I admit. Because everyone seems to be doing and wanting it. So in turn, I would want to want it and do it, too.

Sometimes, I’d say I want children now, but honestly, it scares me to death.

To me, when you already have children, your life isn’t yours anymore. It means, I can’t be selfish anymore. Selfish in the sense that I want to have a life I built for myself first before I share it with someone else. I want to be whole as a person first. Enjoy my own company first. Love myself first. Fill myself first with genuine compassion and love; so that when it is overflowing already, I can fill others and pour it to others.

Right now, I'm still learning to do those. But of course, someday, I want to be a great parent, like my parents. I want to have the heart and the money to afford the wants and needs of our children. Moreover, I want to be married for love. I want to love wholeheartedly.

I feel better now, I just needed an outlet to release this.  This perhaps my longest and ultra-personal entry I blogged about.

I just thought maybe there's someone who might be able to read this and feels the same sentiments as I do and maybe this entry could give him/her such comforting thought like, "Don't worry you're not alone, someone else feels the same way, too."

Goodnight everyone.